You Blossom

I have found the last month quite hard – I have no childcare during the school holidays and they were, of course, quite hectic with a trip away with friends, then friends to stay with us.

I realise that if I don’t work, or at least have some time on my own to think about and plan my work for a week or so, I get very twitchy and short-tempered. The old ‘inner voice’ goes into over-drive with resentment towards the kids, friends, hubby, chores – pretty much everything.

It peaked yesterday when I decided to drive to Bournemouth – near to where we now live, having moved out of London last summer – for the first time to get some school clothes for my son. I took my 3 year old daughter and a wrong turning…. After half an hour of driving round central Bournemouth, we emerged again onto the ring road and eventually found the shopping centre, some grey school shorts, a latte and then the correct route home.

I had promised my daughter a trip to ‘Bounce-a-Lean’ – our favourite Monday pastime of jumping around on bouncy castles with other kids. She was an angel during the Bournemouth debacle so there was no way I was going to go back on my word, even though we were running late and I just wanted to get home and have lunch, an hour to relax and play/do chores, before picking up my son.

The rest of the day became stressful – for me, and because of me. I got short tempered in the supermarket after school, and more and more wound up as the day went on. I had a coaching call at 7.30pm and was very conscious of getting myself into a great state of mind so as to give my best to my client.

So – of course I tend to analyse these things..! – I often find in these situations that there is, as ever, a delicate balance to be found. On many occasions when we get cross with our kids it’s because we haven’t left enough time and are hurrying them along when, as we all know, kids don’t ‘do’ hurrying. It is us who decide to pack too much into a day, or allow them to have breakfast in their school uniform, thereby necessitating at least one change of clothes before we actually leave. However, the last thing we need as mums is another reason to beat ourselves up for being less than perfect.

I am very conscious of trying not to get cross with my kids when, in truth, it is me who has caused the stressful situation. Or I should say it is me who has caused the situation to be stressful. They are just being 5 and 3. I should know better than to expect too much!

So – at times like this, and usually with the benefit of hindsight, I try to work out what I could have done differently to avoid the same chain of events happening again with the same outcome. But, very importantly, avoiding berating myself for being disorganised, neurotic and ‘a terrible mother’.

I repeat my mantra – “I am doing my best. Being perfect would be so boring.”

I also remember the things that I did do well. My son’s class starts recorder lessons this term – on Mondays. When I arrived at school yesterday, I was surrounded by mums pegging it back home again as they’d forgotten the recorder. I hadn’t! Sadly the day peaked then and there, at 8.45am in the school playground – it went a bit downhill after that!

I’ve been feeling pretty down the last few days, despite the sun, Mother’s Day, and a fantastic weekend with my very good friend in London. And I know exactly why.

Jade Goody’s terrible illness, and passing away, and the absolutely tragic news of Natasha Richardson’s sudden death has given us all a huge shock. But it’s much more than that. As mums, we can’t help but think of the children left behind without a mother. That is what has broken my heart over the last few days.

I’ve struggled to get to sleep, and the images of Jade Goody with her young boys have haunted me constantly. I obviously don’t know any of the families involved, but it has made think about death and my own family – and I am trying to get more perspective and work out how to deal with it. As, I am sure, many of us are – as we did when Madeleine McCann disappeared. Because these stories hugely affect us all.

So, in the spirit of what this blog is all about – I am going to try to end this with something positive to focus on.

What can we all do in the light of these tragic stories in order to cope with our own emotions? We can live our own lives to the full. We can look after ourselves and our families as best we can – without becoming paranoid and over-controlling. We can remember that these things happen relatively rarely. We can give money or volunteer with charities, or support those we know who are ill or in trouble.

We can make sure those around us know how much we love them, and allow them to show, and gratefully receive, their love back.

I absolutely love Desperate Housewives. I cannot get enough of the ins and outs of the women’s issues and relationships. But one story-line has really got me thinking.

In case you don’t watch it, or need reminding – a particularly ‘high-maintenance’ wife, Gabrielle Solis, went through 5 very tough years when her previously high-earning husband had been blinded and couldn’t work in his old job. She forsook her penchant for designer clothes and threw herself in to being a full-time mum, struggling to make ends meet financially and basically taking responsibility for pretty much everything. We are made very aware of her struggle to do all these things which, as we know from previous series, definitely do not come naturally to her.

Now, her husband has his sight back and the opportunity to earn mega-bucks once again. She effectively forces him down that route, despite the fact that he will work very long hours, be incredibly stressed, and sacrifice the many hours of quality time that he used to have with the kids when doing more ‘worthwhile’ work. More importantly, he doesn’t actually want to go back to that old way of working.

So – here is a clear (albeit fictional) example of that classic conundrum: go for lots of money and great perks but lots of stress and no time with the family, or little money, no luxuries, financial concerns but more time with the family (I am aware that this is very simplistic as of course, a lot of us have tough jobs, little time at home, WITHOUT the financial benefits).

But, from the mum’s perspective, the dilemma goes like this: lots of money so no worries on that front, but more time on her own with the kids, less help around the house, less family time, and very importantly, a partner who is probably pretty stressed a lot of the time, who she’d be spending a lot less time with; or smaller house, counting the pennies, but with a more chilled out, present, other half.

In the DH scenario, Gabi is absolutely crystal clear about what she wants. She wants money. Lack of this was what caused her the most amount of stress and hardship and she wants rid of this.

However, once her husband, Carlos starts his new job, she struggles to cope without him at home. Here goes the conversation when he gets home and she wants him to discipline the kids as they won’t listen to her:

Carlos: “So you want me to go to work all day, go out on business trips and what little time I have here with the girls you want me to spend screaming at them…”

Gabi: “I just wanted us to have a normal life”.

Carlos responds “Well guess what, sweetie – Dad’s unhappy at work, Mum’s at home with the screaming kids – you got one”.

That actually made me quite depressed. Thankfully, for a lot of people, it is not true. For many it is. But surely it’s got to be worth believing that we can have the right balance, working out what that might be, and working bloody hard to try to achieve it.

Why do women feel so angry? Discuss.

So here goes.  I’ve been meaning to start writing a blog for about a year and a half, and a newspaper article I glimpsed in a coffee shop a week of so ago has provided me with exactly the material to open the flood gates of my creative juices.

To those of you who don’t read the Daily Mail (and I have to confess that usually, I do not), the article was written by Elizabeth Stewart.  She is a very busy mother, happily married with a high flying job in advertising.  However, she is angry.  For, despite her very demanding career, she is the one mopping up her 3 year old’s sick at 2 o’clock in the morning, remembering to defrost the mince for tomorrow’s spag bog, and managing to squeeze in a conference call during her bikini wax.  

Her main issue is that “I never have a moment that’s just mine.  Someone always wants a piece of me.”  God, doesn’t that sound familiar?

Now, despite the lack of high-flying career, I completely sympathise with Elizabeth’s gripes.  I am in an extremely fortunate situation whereby my husband works from home and is THE most amazingly hands-on dad I have ever met.  Yet, at times, I still find myself almost point-scoring (mostly in my head, I hasten to add) about who’s done the most crappy jobs, usually to conclude that it is, indeed, Saint Susie the Martyr.  The irony is that the whole point-scoring exercise is, in fact, completely pointLESS.

For indeed, Elizabeth wonders “What must it be like to be a man and have nothing to think about but the task in hand?”  The mental whirlwind of moans, ‘to-do’ lists and general resentment that goes on inside our heads serves no purpose and achieves nothing.  Well, it achieves nothing constructive.  It does give us the look of a bitter old shrew and sweep away all positive, helpful thoughts that might otherwise occupy our minds.

And that is what this blog is going to be all about.   It may include a whinge or two, or an observation of others’ moans and gripes.  But, my aim is to be helpful, both to myself and to any other mothers out there who need a bit of inspiration.   

So, if anyone reading this blog comes to the end of an entry and can’t find anything positive – please feel free to let me know!

Susie